


Would That I.

by littlestormwitch



Category: Nikolai Series - Leigh Bardugo, The Grisha Trilogy - Leigh Bardugo
Genre: Angst, F/M, No Proofreading We Die Like Men, i cried while listening to cherry wine and writing so here's another hozier song, i miss them, i never said this was going to be happy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-23
Updated: 2020-03-23
Packaged: 2021-02-28 16:25:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,821
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23270122
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/littlestormwitch/pseuds/littlestormwitch
Summary: “Zoya,” he murmured, her name suddenly sounding holy. “Zoya, Zoya,” he kept whispering, unable to think of something that wasn’t her.
Relationships: Nikolai Lantsov/Zoya Nazyalensky
Comments: 2
Kudos: 27





	Would That I.

**Author's Note:**

> no i was not inspired by this song yes it does fit perfectly thank you very much mr hozier https://genius.com/Hozier-would-that-i-lyrics / https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fsu5ZZwzFyk

“There’s something different in you I can’t quite place,” Alina told her, studying Zoya’s face once more since she’d arrived at the palace that morning. They were in the general’s rooms, alone at last for just a few hours. Genya was helping the princess get ready for the ceremony, leaving them by themselves.  
“With the wedding I had less work to do,” Zoya lied. She couldn’t reveal the power growing in her without revealing everything that had happened, and that wasn’t the moment. She didn’t want to think about the true reason the former Saint had been called – nor the man locked up beneath them. Maybe she didn’t want to think about the wedding either, she wasn’t entirely sure. Alina knew what she’d told her wasn’t the whole truth, she could see it in the other girl’s eyes – the storm more wild than ever – but nodded her reply off. She leaned forward just a bit on the couch they’d sat on, trying to put the general at ease for the next question regarding _exactly_ the wedding, but a soft knock came from the door and the two moved their gazes in that direction.  
“Yes?” Zoya called, a flash of nervousness crossing her face before confusion took over. The door creaked open and, without a word, Nikolai took a step inside; he looked around the wide room before meeting Zoya’s gaze. Alina glanced from one to the other, her eyebrows raising slightly in two delicate arches.  
“Can I talk with you for a moment?” he asked slowly, his eyes never leaving Zoya’s face. Alina got up from the couch slowly before he could say _alone_.  
“Genya’s wanted to see me anyway,” she excused herself, placing a gentle hand on the other girl’s shoulder. “We need to work on this,” she pointed at her face, “just to be sure no one recognises me,” she cleared her throat and smiled in Zoya’s direction before heading for the door. Before leaving entirely, she squeezed the king’s wrist encouragingly, a little smile bending her lips. When the door closed behind her, Nikolai rolled his shoulders a couple of time before walking in Zoya’s direction. She still hadn’t said a word, her eyes scanning his frame: he was already in his finest dress, medals shining in the light. She was sure she could see her own reflection on his polished buttons as he approached. The only thing he was missing was his crown.  
“From her mood I’m assuming you haven’t told her anything,” he said, sitting on the other side of the couch across from the general. Zoya shook her head, moving her gaze away.  
“Of course not,” she murmured, clearing then her throat. “We said we were going to _after_ the wedding – she will be mad, but it’s for the best,” she added, her eyes moving anywhere across the room but in Nikolai’s direction. He nodded, leaning back a bit with a small sigh before silence fell again. The same silence that had tormented them whenever they were near each other for the past months, the unspoken pressing on their chests, almost suffocating them. It had been like that since they’d come back and he’d announced to the kingdom about his imminent wedding. The bride-to-be had been savage at first, and Nikolai had almost felt bad when her family had left her not other choice but to marry him. It had been his idea – his stupid, _stupid_ idea – but he hoped that, somehow, it could all be called off.  
“ _Nikolai_ ,” Zoya’s voice came, and from the edge of it he realised it must’ve been not the first time she called him. “You wanted to talk about something?” she fidgeted her hands on her lap as she turned in the king’s direction and he gathered his thoughts together once more. He cleared his throat, sliding towards her slowly as he nodded. She stiffened slightly as he moved closer and closer.  
“Am I doing the right thing?” he asked so softly she thought she might’ve misheard him at first. She widened her eyes for a moment, her gaze meeting his with confusion. So much crossed his face it was hard to keep up: fear, regret, _hope_.   
“You’re about to get married, Nikolai,” she said almost through greeted teeth, “what are you talking about?” He didn’t know. He’d woke up feeling more uneasy than ever, and had thought it was about lying to Alina. But as the time of the ceremony approached, every single part of him was screaming at him to flee. He needed the wind and the sea, and to stop being the king for a moment or two. He needed to not be alone, but the only person he wanted by his side couldn’t even look at him.   
“I don’t know, I –” he sighed, shaking his head, “this doesn’t feel right. Ehri doesn’t want this – _I_ don’t want this,” he glanced outside, where a storm was starting to form. He wasn’t sure it was completely natural, and looked at the general, who might’ve or not been responsible for it.  
“I think it’s a little late to reconsider, don’t you?” she got up, every movement signalling the rising annoyance in her.   
“It might not be,” he said before he could stop himself, and she turned her head so quickly he might’ve felt her neck snap. He met her gaze once more, her eyes mimicking the darkening sky.  
Zoya said nothing as she studied Nikolai’s face: he was sincere. Utterly sincere. And he was looking at her with a haunted look.  
“It is,” she murmured, every word a painful hit for him and herself. Because she knew what was laying in his expression, and wouldn’t allow neither of them to let it out. “The princess is getting ready _now_ , it’s too late, so suck it up,” there was almost a dangerous edge in her voice.  
Nikolai moved slowly, getting up and covering the small distance between them. She didn’t even flinch, lifting her chin in defiance. The king stopped half a step away from her, moving his hand as if he wanted to caress the stubborn set of her jaw   
“Zoya –” he whispered delicately, his eyes suddenly gentle. The girl – for that’s what she felt like now – thought her legs were about to give up on her when the door was yanked open.  
“I’ve been looking for you everywhere!” Tolya exclaimed, unaware of their hearts racing a marathon in their chests. He looked at Nikolai as he moved back from the general, moving his stiff shoulders.  
“Alright,” he said to no one in particular before walking towards the door, leaving Zoya fixed on the spot. The guard and the king left – he said nothing else, but looked at her one more time before closing the door behind him, a challenge in his gaze.

Nikolai didn’t know what he expected from her. To run down the aisle yelling _don’t marry her_? How foolish of him. His general had behaved for the whole ceremony, sitting between Genya and Alina, her face absolutely stoic. And he should’ve been looking at the princess in front of him, his _wife_ , but he couldn’t when the storm roared outside and Zoya hadn’t even flinched.   
She was now in a corner of the ballroom dancing with Tolya, head thrown back in laughter as the man made her spin once more. Ehri was off dancing with her family, and Nikolai stood against the wall, away from everyone else. A blonde girl approached him and it took him a moment to recognise Alina, then a weak smile broke on his lips.  
“Aren’t you enjoying yourself?” she asked slowly, standing at his side. She followed his gaze towards Zoya, but said nothing. “You know, I couldn’t help but notice the princess is not wearing a ring as extraordinary as the Lantsov Emerald,” she added carefully, studying the shift in the king’s expression. He blinked once. Twice. Then shrugged.  
“After the Sun Summoner I wanted to keep a low profile,” he grinned, but even in saying so his eyes followed the twirling figure of the woman on the other side of the room, a blur of black, blue and silver. Alina laughed softly, shaking her head.  
“She loved that ring to the point she was about to push me into leaving you,” she said with a little laugh. Nikolai’s eyes quickly ran to her face, confusion painted all over his features.  
“What?” he exhaled. They didn’t need to say who they meant.  
“If I recall properly her words were –” she cleared her throat, “ _toss him over, break his heart cruelly. I will gladly give our poor prince comfort, and I would make a magnificent queen_ ,” she grinned in Nikolai’s direction. The king was still looking at her, lips slightly parted. He glanced quickly at Zoya and in that moment she turned towards him. She stopped dancing, leaving Genya with her arms lifted beside her, and her smile faltered a little.  
“Could you excuse me?” he murmured to Alina, unable once again to look away from the general. Anybody who had a functioning pair of eyes could see what was going on between them. Everyone would’ve been able to feel it.  
“Nikolai,” Alina called as he started to walk away. He looked at her without really seeing her. “Don’t do anything else you’re going to regret, alright?” she said softly, an encouraging smile on her mouth. The king wasn’t sure he knew what she meant, but nodded before heading out.

She said nothing to Genya before walking away. She wasn’t really thinking, or else she wouldn’t have followed him blindly.  
The king managed to remain unseen as he left the ballroom and then got out of the castle. It was still raining, but he quickly ran for shelter. Zoya observed him through the falling water before pinching the bridge of her nose as she sighed loudly. _Why was she doing it? She should’ve gone back inside._ Instead, she ran towards him, the rain quickly making its way through her thin dress. She shivered as she stopped, wrapping her arms around her torso.  
“What are you doing here?” they asked at the same time and, after a moment of silence, they both cracked a smile.  
“I was following you,” she admitted, tilting her head to the side. Nikolai couldn’t help but smile a little wider. “I don’t know if I should say _the king shouldn’t leave_ or _the husband shouldn’t leave_ ,” she added. His first reaction was to laugh, shaking his head and turning a bit so he was not facing her anymore.  
“You told Alina to break my heart after you saw the Lantsov Emerald,” he said matter-of-factly. It wasn’t even a question, but Zoya felt the sudden urge to respond.  
“Yes,” she said simply, getting a step closer and moving so they were standing one next to each other, her shoulder brushing against his arm – still a head shorter despite the heels.  
“Did you mean it?” he asked then, softly, unable to bring himself to look at her.  
“Of course not – I didn’t think she would actually break your heart,” she scoffed. Nikolai remained in silence long enough to make her turn her head. He was staring ahead in the garden, hands flexing slightly at his sides.  
“It’s not what I meant,” he murmured, his voice so low it was almost hard to hear him over the rumble of the rain. Zoya’s lips parted, but she didn’t know how to reply. She breathed in, slowly, then he kept going. “It never came up,” he declared.  
“What, that I wanted pretty rings and necklaces?” she frowned, shaking then her head with another soft scoff. Nikolai’s eyes met hers at last when he spoke again.  
“That we could’ve actually gotten married,” his voice was firm and his eyes shone, making Zoya regret her decision to follow him. She couldn’t exactly turn back now – not when he looked at her like that, and her heart threatened to explode in her chest. “You could’ve been in Ehri spot today,” he added when she said nothing.  
“Don’t be ridiculous now,” she managed to laugh. A fake laugh as she forced herself to look away.  
“Why not?” at the corner of her eye, she saw him get closer. A little bit closer. For the first time, Zoya looked down, lips pressed together.  
“You know why, Nikolai,” his name was breathed out in a gentle, delicate whisper and she shook her head once. Her voice broke, but that didn’t stop him from placing his hand on the small of her back – Zoya could’ve sworn she even felt the new ring as he brushed his finger gently against her dress.  
“Because you’re Grisha?” he wondered. Of course he’d thought of that – _Saints, how long had he thought of that_. If only he had had a little more time, just a little longer, maybe things could’ve been easier. Maybe Zoya could’ve really been in Ehri’s place. Or maybe she would’ve been the one he simply left the kingdom too – because he knew she was going to outlive him, and it hurt, but it was the best thing Ravka could pray for. He’d wanted a little more time to get the people used to a Grisha ruler, because he knew all that power was terrifying. But she was Zoya. Their general, _his Zoya_.   
“So you’re not just a pretty face,” she looked up again, taking a deep breath in before turning her head towards him. She felt his hand on her burn her skin, the thunder rumbling in the sky and in her veins, leaving a hum behind that pulled her towards him a bit more. Just a bit more. He couldn’t help but grin at her words, but at the same time moved his hand up along the curve of her back. His fingers disappeared below her dark hair left cascading down her back, and he wanted nothing more than to intertwine his hands in it, getting himself lost in her.  
“Zoya,” he murmured, her name suddenly sounding holy. “Zoya, Zoya,” he kept whispering, unable to think of something that wasn’t her. She hadn’t even realised how close he actually was until her hand reached quickly for his face, placing delicate fingers on his cheeks and stopping his descending movement.  
“Don’t,” she said, and her voice was gentle. Nikolai had expected her to reprimand him, to yell at him how wrong that was, not that fragile kindness that cracked her voice. He met her gaze, confused and more heartbroken than before. _Heartbroken_ , what an awful word to think of. In his eyes there were million of questions, of worries about how he might’ve misread all of it. Maybe he had, maybe he’d been so blinded by his own feelings that he hadn’t even thought of looking an inch over his nose.  
But then Zoya smiled at him, caressing his cheekbones, looking just for a moment down at his lips.  
“Just because you’re not the Sun Summoner it doesn’t mean they won’t accept you,” he despised the pleading note in his voice, but couldn’t help it. At that Zoya smile grew bigger as her eyes grew sadder.  
“But you just got married, Nikolai,” her voice was firm and yet trembled at the same time. “And you’re not like the former king – you’re _nothing_ like him,” she kept brushing his cheeks with her thumbs as if in feather like kisses. “We can’t go back now, so you have to leave it all behind you, please,” somehow she made that sound like an order – his general.  
“I’m sorry,” he whispered, although he didn’t know what he was apologising for.  
“I know,” she said nevertheless, nodding a couple of times. He leaned forward then, ignoring for a moment everything she’d said – because if being like his predecessor would mean he got to feel her gentle lips on his for a moment longer, then he was fine with that. He pressed a slow kiss on her mouth, and felt her body tremble with restraint. His hands found her waists as he pulled her towards him and for a moment – just a moment – she followed him, her hands cupping his face, her breath catching in her throat for a bit too long. She felt dizzy the second he parted from her, lips burning hot and cold at the same time in the absence of him.  
“I think you really could’ve been a magnificent queen,” he mumbled, fingers pressing on her skin. And Zoya wanted to laugh and cry at his words, because there had been a time when that was exactly what she’d wanted to hear. Now she cared too much about Ravka, and a little more about its king. So she left another kiss on Nikolai’s parted lips, lingering a bit longer, before turning on her heels and walking in the rain again towards the castle, where a wedding was still being celebrated.


End file.
